The Philosophy of Wiping Your Own Ass
Wiping your own ass is a challenge which most people would never admit to experiencing. "Of course I know how to wipe my ass! Do I look like a baby!?" may come the retort from someone asked if they knew how to do it. And for a long time I was one of those people too. But as I have become more comfortable in my body and also more comfortable admitting the things I do struggle with, I have come to admit that I do not know how to wipe my own ass. The only real teachings I received around the subject were to 'keep going until the paper comes back white' and this was not always helpful advice, for often times the paper would fade from brown to red and I would be perplexed by the contradictory evidence: brown means I am not done yet, but red means I have overdone it. So what does it mean when the two are mixed together?! I hypothesized that it meant I was doing something wrong and thereafter set out upon a personal ass wiping quest of discovery.
The ass of another person is an easier thing to deal with, because you can make first hand visual confirmation of the dirtiness or cleanliness of the ass itself, and if it is dirty then you know specifically which areas are and are not. The ass of oneself, however, is a totally different story! Now, suddenly, the visual cues of the state-of-the-ass are coming in secondhand (from the paper) and while this seems like a small and easily navigable jump in methodology, I have found that this crevasse is actually wider than it seems. I began my journey into the philosophy of ass-wiping when I began to experience various signs and signals that I was not as exquisite an ass wiper as I had once presumed. Now, many years into this journey of anal hygiene, I finally feel that I have enough information to come forward with. I am confident that, here during my 26th year of life, I finally understand how to wipe my own ass! I have discovered a three stage strategy of ass wiping which, when affixed by specialized hand techniques, wipes the ass better than any of the more traditional techniques alone.
The Traditional Techniques and their Associated Flaws
The first technique I learned was as a young child and has come to be known as the Front-to-Back. This technique is where the paper is gripped in one way or another, and the hand and arm take a long, and slightly awkward, route to the ass by twisting the torso to one side and stretching the arm over and around the hip and buttcheek. This technique, in my own experience, was taught as a standing technique. However, it grew into a sitting technique, which was even more uncomfortable, because then, alongside the contortions of the upper body, one must also lift one buttcheek off the seat for access and this is done by popping the hip up (even moreso into the way of the arm than it was to begin with). The benefits to this technique are that the ass is being wiped in an away-direction from the genitals and thus one need be much less cautious. The detriment to this technique is that it is uncomfortable, slightly awkward, and most of all the fact that the crack of the ass extends far beyond the butthole in this direction. This means that one is at risk of smearing the bulk of the waste into the upper crack area, where it will begin to cause severe social disharmony.
The second technique I learned was through observation of my elders and it is a practice I implemented to fulfill my need to 'be grown-up'. This technique has come to be known as the Back-to-Front and it solves many of the problems of its predecessor, while yet bringing even stronger problems of its own. The Back-to-Front is a technique where the paper is held, in one way or another, and the hand reaches through the opening of the legs into the toilet bowl for access to the ass. When performing the Back-to-Front there is a very real danger of misjudging the air to water ratio available in the bowl, and thus dipping one's hand into the no-longer-potable water. However, this is a minor detriment compared to the true crux of Back-to-Front'ing, which is the friction-tear crux. You see, the butthole is not a perfectly formed piece of anatomy. If you look closely at the butthole, you will tend to find there is an imperfection near its bottom. This imperfection might be referred to as a knot. When performing the Back-to-Front the paper is typically dragged across this knot, and the repetitive friction upon this concentrated area often causes small tears to form. This is a painful experience and remains so for long after the ass is wiped, but the true difficulty in the friction-tear crux is that the immediate pain of the wound severely inhibits continued wiping, and therefore tends to lead to a progressively less-satisfactorily wiped ass as time goes on. The last detriment to be spoken of is one which I refer to as the Social-Physical Problem. This problem arises due to the ass being wiped towards the genitals. So in males there is the risk of having a very socially-traumatic episode involving what was once on your ass, now being on your scrotum. Meanwhile, for females, there is the risk of having a very physically-traumatic episode involving a septic vagina. As the reader will come to see, the Three Stage Strategy does not necessarily attend to all aspects of the Social-Physical Problem, but I will address these shortcomings later in this paper.
The Three Stage Strategy and Hand Techniques
The true art of wiping one's own ass comes in the technique of the hand. The hand is the skeleton of the tool, it is the foundation of the ass-wiping structure. Without proper hand technique it becomes pointless to even wipe the ass. I have discovered two 'gripping forms' and three 'wiping forms', and when used in perfect unison these forms have the potential to inaugurate a particular passion for ass wiping. The grip is as important as the wipe because without a proper grip one is liable to have paper slippage and dirty the hand. We will discuss the first gripping technique and its associated wiping forms. After which we will cover the second grip and the third wipe.
The first gripping technique is one which I call the Guiderail. This is where the paper sits on the three primary fingers, while the pinky finger pinches down from the top. This pinky pinch is what keeps the paper from sliding out of place as soon as there is drag from the butthole. The thumb, meanwhile, rests on top of the far side. This thumb pinch is what keeps the paper from rolling or flapping away from the main structure of the hand. This grip is used with both the first and second stages of the Three Stage Strategy.
We come to the first stage now, this stage is intended to remove only the bulk and excess of dirtiness within the ass, and is focused on the butthole itself. Grip the paper using the Guiderail style, push the middle finger inwards from the other two and perform a Back-to-Front. So ideally it is the middle finger which contacts, through the paper, the butthole, and the wipe should start at the middle knuckle and end at the fingertip with a small scooping motion. The Back-to-Front can be repeated another time or two in the case of an especially dirty ass. Remember, you are just clearing the bulk here, there are still two more stages to a cleanly ass.
The second stage applies a variation on the Guiderail. It is intended to target the anal areola, where the majority of the filth tends to reside. Now, instead of pushing the middle finger in, it is both the middle and the ring finger which need to come forward; one should then perform a Front-to-Back. The two fingers, side-by-side, should contact either side of the anal areola. The wipe should start at the middle knuckle and end at the fingertip with a small scooping motion to avoid the Social-Physical Problem. I prefer to perform this stage in a standing position due to the ability to find the most parallel purchase with the buttcrack. Furthermore, considering the bulk was dealt with in stage one, there is little concern about the buttcheeks spreading the filth about when they close together as the standing is performed. The Front-to-Back should now be repeated until the report from the paper begins to show a significant decline in filth. While this report may vary from person to person I identify it with basically white paper, but still clearly some small signs of uncleanliness.
The second gripping technique is one which I call the Prizeclaw. This is where the tips of the fingers all come together at roughly the same point to create five equally-lateral supports. Imagine you are attempting to hold a golf ball with your fingertips. Where before the paper was manipulated into a multi-layered rectangle, with the third stage of the technique the paper is bunched up into a very loose ball, much like a luffa. This paper-luffa is then gripped with the Prizeclaw technique and used to scrub the butthole up and down. Typically one would not scrub up and down in the ass because the filth would simply be spread about. But with the three stage technique there is no longer enough to spread around. The ass is quite clean at this point, and the only remaining filth is held within the groovy wrinkles of the anal areola. Since both sides of each groove need to be attended to, the up and down scrub makes the most sense. Repeat this final technique a couple times and the paper should report full cleanliness of the ass. Congratulations you have done it: you wiped your own ass!
Other Considerations
I would like to dedicate a small segment here to the water versus paper argument. Many areas of the world use bidets for anal hygiene. I have had the privilege of trying some different bidet models out, and I found them all to be sorely disappointing. There are two issues that I found. The first was the lack of report, there is no realistically efficient way to determine the state-of-the-ass when relying on a bidet. The second issue I found was the lack of pressure, which did little, if anything at all, to clean the ass. At the times of my experiences I was under the impression that one need simply spray the butthole with the water and all would be well. As it turns out this is brashly incorrect.
As I discussed this issue with a friend of mine he was generous enough to enlighten me with his understanding of the ‘philosophy of bum-gunning’. One is to use the meager pressure to deal with the bulk of the filth. After which, one ought to soap one’s hand and proceed to utilize the bare, soapy hand to gently massage the butthole, cleansing it thoroughly with the hand and fingertips, and thereafter wash the hands clean of any residue. I am excited for my next foray into a part of the world which provides the water option, so that I can practice this new understanding and develop a firmer philosophy, and deeper understanding, of my own regarding the water versus paper argument.
The Social-Physical Problem
Earlier on we touched on the Social-Physical Problem, and the issue arose that the Three Stage Strategy does little to solve the ass wiping woes of women. I am not a woman and therefore I can only hypothesize about this issue, but hypothesize I shall! Based on my repertoire of understanding regarding anal hygiene, and the female anatomy, I shall now posit an alternative Three Stage Strategy to combat the female side of the Social-Physical Problem!
I believe that one should begin with the Front-to-Back while having the middle finger forward. Then, continuing on with Front-to-Back, switch the finger technique to the middle and ring-finger style. Tertiarily, switch to the Back-to-Front technique, but do not aim the wipe at the butthole and instead aim the wipe at the upper crack area to catch any filth the first stage may have relocated there. Finally, finish with the third stage Prizeclaw scrub.
Concluding Thoughts
I truly hope that my years of research and failed trials have brought a degree of enlightenment to your own philosophy of ass wiping. We were able to discuss quite a bit of information within this paper, yet still so much remains to be discovered. I would appreciate any appropriate thoughts regarding the subject of ass wiping, and I welcome any messages of gratitude you may have. I am particularly interested in hearing from any female wipers with comments or concerns regarding my theoretical solution to the feminine side of the Social-Physical Problem. Thank you so much for reading and I wish you the highest fortunes in your future anal endeavours.
Peace and safety,
Cyril C. House
chouse@ualberta.ca
